Thursday, April 10, 2008


Found: a pile of acorns, fresh-picked from somebody's muddy yard.

"Blue-Eyed B." The perp.

"Scarface"--an accomplice to the acorn & antler theft
not a hardened criminal like his older brother.

Dear Neighbors:
I apologize for Bachelor # 2 and Bachelor # 3 scurrying through your yards yesterday and scavenging for whatever wasn't nailed down. We tried to return your antlers, flower pot and decorative woodland creatures to their proper place. We kept the acorns. The Bachelors have undergone anti-theft treatment and rehabilitation, mostly composed of a stern lecture and encouragement to only take nuts and leaves in the future from your properties. If you want the acorns back, just let us know.
Sincerely Yours,
Green Girl & Co.

Dear Pre-K Drop-off Drivers:
It is customary to park your car in a
parking place in the parking lot when leaving your vehicle to accompany your child into the building. To leave a parked car in the drop-off lane creates gridlock for those parked behind you. In the future, should you need to chaperone Little Timmy through the school entrance, please do so from the parking LOT.
Please do not double-park to "run into the building for a quick minute." And do not dress and re-pack your child's backpack once you've approached the front of the drop-off line. That should have been done before you left your house. In the event of an emergency, please use the
parking lot to dress your child and re-pack backpacks.
Finally, once your child has left your vehicle and is safely near the building, please drive ahead so that the line of cars behind you can deposit their children and drive away. There is no need to sit and stare at the building forlornly. Really.
Thank you,
The Bi-otch Who Laid on Her Horn Yesterday

Dear Shop Owner,
You may have noticed the softening economy and it's a crazy guess that gift shops selling kitsch are probably suffering in this current climate. However, when
Sparkadoodles goes out of business, do not blame your location on College Ave. or metered parking or people's lack of appreciation for your wares. I, for one, think your shop has great stuff--but I can purchase every single item you sell at an online store without encountering an unfriendly and even (yes, I shall tell you) downright rude sales clerk. Your clerk did not greet me when I entered the store, in fact she only said four words to me the entire time I browsed. When I flipped out my checkbook to pay for a $50 purchase, I didn't argue against your "No Checks" policy. I did, however, leave the items at the cash register and head for the door because your clerk said to me, "We don't take checks." Not "Sorry, I know this is really inconvenient." Or "Would you like me to hold these until you can come back?" Or even, "I know, it's a crazy policy. I don't know why this store won't take checks." Rude and unfriendly behavior only serves to further alienate a frustrated customer.
Good Luck on Your Going Out of Business Sale,
The Lady Who Only Had Checks and Now Will Turn All of Her Friends and Acquaintances Against Shopping at

Scatter Joy! sells everything you sell AND the lady working there is a billion times nicer.


  1. no one should even be allowed to get pregnant until they pass a test in how to handle car pool lane. please people please!

  2. Letters like this always make me feel better. Hope it worked for you, too.

    And I, for one, vow to never shop at Sparkadoodle!

  3. Your perps are adorable. I hope you aren't making them do too much hard time.

    Good letters!

  4. Love the letters. Teachers get parked in every single day at my school by some random parent that decided to double park. for a long time.

  5. The assorted crimes against consideration committed in the carpool line help to motivate us to walk or ride bikes with the kids to and from school.

  6. Sorry, goes a long ways towards easing the blow, when you are inconveniencing someone, doesn’t it?

  7. The car line is infuriating. It should be part of the school's admission process. Yes, even for public school. Honking is not out of order.

    Anti-theft treatment and rehabilitation...funny stuff.

  8. I work in a store where nothing we sell is a necessity. It's been really slow, but our game plan is that we seriously UP the customer service level. The discussion at our morning meetings is that we HAVE to make them happy that they shopped with us, and most of the customers have noticed and told us how much they appreciated it.

    But it is so slow that my boss was happy that I asked for the rst of the month off to do a road trip with my Mom and brother.

  9. Writing your memoirs via letter form I see...;p

  10. I love this post! You're so nice about everything. I'd ratchet up the asskickometer and embarass myself. ;-)

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