Friday, August 22, 2008

Whoppers, Urban Legends & Blatant Lies

"If you keep making that face, it'll freeze that way."

"You are NOT allowed to go to the mall alone--a gang of people is drugging girls in the bathrooms there and selling them into prostitution and slavery."

"Did you hear about the girl who stayed too long in a tanning bed and she cooked her insides and died."

"If you drink Tang and nothing else, your skin will start to turn orange."

Every kid grows up hearing a healthy dose of whoppers. By the time I was 12 I had a book's worth of fables and fibs meant to improve my behavior or shock me. My friends were the best source of outrageous information.

The best? Came from Sandy Davies. A year younger than me, she lived across the alley with her evil big brother, David (bully-in-residence). She had a largish wading pool, a golden retriever and awesome skill at jumping rope. One day while sitting in my sandbox she started picking and digging at a mosquito bite. When the skin broke open, she began licking off the blood. In response to my curiosity about her behavior she informed me: "When you get a mosquito bite, pick it open and suck out the blood. It'll help you lose weight."

Okay readers, beat that!


  1. Actually, my mother would not lie to us, so we never heard stuff like that. Seriously.

  2. WHA? That's the most bizarre thing I've ever heard! How funny!

    My parents used to tell us if we sang at the dinner table we'd marry a crazy person. Now hubs & I laugh and joke that our dads probably sang at the table when they were little. :O)

  3. I know there must be one in my mind somewhere but I just can't think of it! Placenta brain, i tell ya. ;)

  4. Very weird. I've never heard that one! My hubby's grandma was the best at those. She once told me to be careful with my sewing needles, because if I wasn't, "one might get under your skin and then it'd travel around your body for the rest of your life. And that's no way to live."

  5. My mom swore that when I swallowed my chewing gum, it would stick to my insides and grow into rubber trees and they'd have to operate to get them out--who knew?

    By the way, I've used your opening line in my novel, about making faces and it staying that way. A huge multitude of parents must have said that~

  6. My grandfather once told me that if you take pussy willows and put them in the oven on warm for a few hours, they will turn into kittens.

    I was pretty disappointed. Maybe I didn't do it right?

  7. I recall checking the toilet every time my mother utilized the restroom while pregnant with my brother because I had been informed that the baby would essentially be a big BM by the kid next door. Mother's habit of flushing was disturbing considering the risk of "losing the baby" which was misconstrued after being overheard from adult conversations.

  8. That is quite a belief :) Did it work? I hear if you believe anything strong enough, it works. :)

  9. You can get pregnant if you share the same swimming pool water with a guy who has a boner.

    Imagine the complexes some guys must have had after scads of goggle-sporting pre-teen girls splashed away from them screaming while they were trying to swim laps.

  10. We asked Dad if you can REALLY fly if you REALLY believe, and he said "Absolutely!" So my brother and I jumped off the garage roof. As we lay on the grass alive but winded, gasping, (If you really believe you land on your whole body, not your feet) he said "It didn't work!! You'll have to try again!" We didn't, and we rag him about it all the time while he laughs evilly. I tell my boys, "Never believe anything Pappy tells you, you hear?!" The garage roof wasn't that high, and he figured we would do it anyway such was our faith. So his reasoning was, better him there than us sneaking and doing it while no-one was looking. I find myself using this parenting technique more and more... "Go right ahead" I say, and then my kids pause... and think twice.

  11. That tanning booth thing? Happened in graphic detail in the movie Final Destination. Definitely not worth the risk.

  12. It's the old "Don't swallow watermelon seeds or a melon will grow in your stomach" for me.

    And believe you me WE tried!!


Spill it, reader.