Dear Research & Development Team at Proctor & Gamble:
You developed many useful household products over the years. I'm a HUGE fan of the disposable diaper, facial tissue and bar soap.
You've also developed many useless household products over the years. Plug-in air fresheners? If I have a nasty stink in my house, opening a window or setting out a dish of vinegar will do. Likewise, if my furniture smells, I can spray it with water and vinegar or water and Borax. I call that "Better Living Through Fewer Toxic Chemicals."
May I recommend you focus your efforts on addressing the following area? Busy parents would love a children's toothpaste that evaporates into the air instead of drying harder than concrete and requiring a pick axe, chisel and hammer to dislodge from a bathroom countertop. I'd be mighty grateful.
Dear Fisher Price:
I'm a huge fan--I grew up playing with little wooden Little People, a shape sorter and this awesome phone:
You've spent scads of money developing "learning toys" that make learning "fun." By plugging my children into your computer programs, I never need to pull a kid onto my lap and read out loud again to expose them to letters, sounds, and the joy of stories! Your back-seat DVD player alleviates all stress on me to engage in games of "I Spy" or "Count the Cows" or even mother/son conversations. Now my children ride contentedly entertained with DVDs doing the talking for me! You've freed me up to talk on my cell phone or text-message my homegirls while driving across town to Target. You've even come up with an Art Center to make drawing and coloring FUN! Improving on blank paper and crayons or markers was something every mother has yearned for since the dawn of time. I'm not sure how you thought to replace crayons and coloring books with a computer-simulated learning tray, but THANK GOODNESS you did! We can all agree that drawing and coloring using our imaginations, crayons and paper was a real drag.
I have a brilliant suggestion for your next hot new "learning toy": a potty training target practice game that reinforces good aim with musical tunes and bright lights and discourages bad aim with a small electrical charge administered through the child's feet. I envision this colorful "learning toy" made out of rubber matting and plastic, able to hook over any standard sized toilet seat. To activate the game, a little boy must hit the center of the toilet bowl/target with a steady stream of urine. Sensors placed on the floor and around the outside of the toilet bowl's rim will detect dribbling, sprinkling and blatant refusal to take steady aim. These sensors will activate the electrical charge that will "zap" the child's feet, which will be reinforced by Diego's voice telling the child, "Oops! Try again! You want to aim for the center!"
Parents and caregivers of male children will be excited to see their child's improvement as they quickly achieve 100% accuracy while peeing. My market research suggests that this "learning toy" can be used with boy children up to the age of 15! Several versions might be purchased over the years as a child grows in size and ability--I can see a sports-themed potty training game for older boys with Peyton Manning's voice rebuking poor aim. For boys ages 5-10, I envision a Spongebob Squarepants game where the child tries to "soak Spongebob" and make him sink to the ocean floor, and perhaps a racecar themed game similar to carnival games where steady aim and pressure moves a racecar along a track on a screen positioned along the front side of the toilet tank.
I'm looking forward to buying your new line of "Piss and Play Learning Toys" for my sons next Christmas!
Day 5 of my 29-Day Giving Challenge: Brought neighbors' recycling and garbage barrels up to their house in the pouring rain, saving them the hassle of getting all wet and having to climb into the ditch at the end of the driveway when they got home from work last night.
Day 6 of my 29-Day Giving Challenge: Donated toys to a 3rd grade teacher at Happyland Elementary School.