Monday, June 15, 2009

sinful nature

Lately I've been tagged, flagged and nagged--this was from Jess Riley (Famous Author Alert!) over at Riley's Ramblings. This meme is sinful:

"Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this Meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for each deadly sin) and hope they can lie."

Pride
What is your biggest contribution to the world?

It's a little known fact that I built and planted the New York Botanical Garden. I also helped Al Gore with the internet, but I don't want to steal his thunder.

Envy
What do your coworkers have that you wish was yours?

Better hours, better parking, better benefits--and Brett Favre bobblehead dolls on their desks.

Gluttony
What did you eat last night?

I took a huge piece of red meat and dipped it in Bisquick before frying it in bacon grease. Then I slathered it with melted Velveeta cheese. I enjoyed it with creamed corn because my Mom is all "eat vegetables every day" and for dessert I ate a pint of ice cream--"Berry Crunchy Green Girl"--it's Ben & Jerry's newest flavor, inspired by moi.

Lust
What really lights your fire?

Mmmm...washed up jocks. They're still beefy in the chest and arms and neck, but the bulge of a beer belly gives them a unique vulnerability. I love them best when they're half drunk, eyes glazed over from watching ESPN for hours, receding hairline covered by a baseball cap. Baseball caps and their championship t-shirt from '95 give them a particular boyish charm. When they drape their heavy arm over my shoulder, spilling lite beer down my sleeve and start whispering sweet nothings about the time they caught the ball in the big game...my knees go weak. Hearing them sing along to Jock Jams while tailgating other drivers in their detailed SUV only makes things hotter.

Anger
What is the last thing that really pissed you off?

Standing in line the morning after Thanksgiving outside Walmart for four hours I shoved my way to the front of the line and scored Bratz dolls for all my neices before heading back to get a huge flat screen TV set and I find out they're all sold out. This stupid clerk with a stutter tells me there's no rain checks so I gave her what-for when I saw a portable DVD player for the kids to watch for in the van when we drive to McDonalds--I elbowed past some old lady to grab it and I ended up catching my elbow on her head because the bitch slipped or tripped or something and fell. I meant to elbow her in the chest and instead slammed into her skull and I had a bruise for weeks. Thought it was broken. It hurt sooooo bad. I got the DVD player, but I'm still pissed about not getting the TV.

Greed
Name something you hoard and keep from others:

Zucchini. I grow bushels of it, but I refuse to let anyone else eat it. I let it rot in a compost pile before I give it away to my neighbors. Those suckers can grow their own damn summer squash. My produce is mine. Mine! MINE!!!

Sloth
What’s the laziest thing you ever did?

After my surgery, I slept on a hospital bed for hours. When I came to, I didn't even turn on the TV set. I just lay there. I knew I had to get home and do dishes and laundry, I knew I had emails to read and answer, I knew I had a stack of reading material to plow through but I actually took another Tylenol and ignored EVERYTHING and slept some more. I mean, I totally deserved to rest--liposuction is painful, but I had to do it to lose those last pregnancy pounds, right?

I'm tagging the following Writer Women--and I hope they leave a comment saying when they did it because you know what they write will be really good since writers are liars by nature.

Candid Carrie

Mommy Always Wins

Deb the San Diego Momma

Rebecca Ramsey at Wonders Never Cease

Barrie Summy

Stacy Nyikos at Out There

Minnesota Matron

17 comments:

  1. You are hilarious. I don't usually do tags but I'll have to make an exception for this one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmmm. Your dinner sounds delicious! Especially the finale!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Okay, honey. The Matron will participate. Look for something later today or tomorrow :-). Hey. Everybody keeps forgetting MY role in creating that darn internet, too. .. .

    ReplyDelete
  4. Too funny. But I wonder, why is that washed up Jock spilling his Lite beer on you? Shouldn't he be shotgunning it to prove he still can?

    ;D

    - Julia

    ReplyDelete
  5. I totally helped Gore with the whole internet thing too! Yeah us!

    ReplyDelete
  6. That was brilliant.
    I think your alter ego lives near me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. THose were hilarious. Well done!!! I'm super impressed.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think I'll make this a PROMPTuesday!

    ReplyDelete
  9. i don't believe the brett favre thing. but i believe everything else.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are funny. Really enjoyed your lust answer. Nothing like washed-up has-beens to make a woman pine for more.

    ReplyDelete
  11. That's hilarious--my favorite was Lust. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm feeling the pressure now. After all of those lies, how can I ever compete? I grew up Catholic you know. No lying. Or if you lie...well, we won't go into that. I'll give it my best shot!

    ReplyDelete
  13. OMG, you are hilarious. This is the best meme ever!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Washed up jocks.....stilll laughing!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. what a fun quiz gluttony sounded delightful and lust too!

    ReplyDelete

Spill it, reader.