Friday, September 3, 2010

I need bigger pockets for the junk in my trunk

I'm a genetic anomaly among my pear-shaped German-American brethren. They're all thighs and hips while this baby's got back. I appreciate that I wasn't endowed with a hefty bosom like many of my kin, and I guess I'm glad to not fret over the size of my thighs, but my tush--oh my J-Lo, super-sized tush. I think my bottom is the result of some recessive gene pool in my ancestry--do the Scottish have big butts? The Italians? Dutch? Irish? Cherokee? Or perhaps my tuckus is the result of squatting in the garden to pick beans and pull weeds. And a regimen of lunges and kicks in karate class. And regular diet of chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cake and apple pie. Whatever the cause, I need pants because soon it'll be too cold for shorts.

According to a recent survey*, this is my shape.

Wherever my rump came from, I generally don't notice it too much. It's behind me. I'm sitting on it, not looking at it. Or I'm standing in front of it, ignoring it. Until it's time to buy pants.

The new trend is skinny--skinnyskinnyskinny. I've had good luck at Old Navy in the past few years, so I tried on a pair of their skinny ankle-length khakis. I had more wrinkles bagging the fabric from buttocks to knees than a Hollywood plastic surgeon has filled in with Botox in the past decade. It looked tacky. And no matter what cut of skinny pants I tried, I kept seeing the same problem--nasty bunching and creasing.

So I grabbed an old, tried and true trend--the cargo pant. Old Navy, what were your designers thinking? Look at the pockets on these pants:

Small pockets + Green Girl's booty = GINORMOUS Looking Booty

Old Navy, we're through. I'm quitting you. Packing up my junk and moving on. And I'm taking that dream of wearing skinny pants and putting it in the same place as my dream of becoming a back up singer for a Motown Girl Group. But I will find new pants ... a pair of cargo pants Just My Size with big pockets and plenty of room in back.

Spill it, reader. What's the worst thing you have to shop for?

*In a blind 2010 survey, 1 participant provided a response. He gave it some thought before answering.


  1. I'm lumpy in the belly, so trying to find clothes that serve as camouflage (I cannot spell that word!)in the gut is my life challenge. Maybe just start wearing whatever you see J.Lo in, no matter how impractical?

  2. I hate shopping for shoes. For one, I hate feet. Two, my feet are messed up from 14 years of dance. And three, I have bad knees from said dancing years and require orthopedic shoes. Cute shoes that meet those requirements are very expensive.

  3. Oh my gosh this sounds so much like me. I hate shopping for pants for this very reason. Growing up it was even worse because that was before it was cool to have a JLo butt. :)

  4. Pants. Shopping for them tends to result in slipping on the ol' Ranty Pants. My legs (and, um, crotch) are longer than average, so most pants are just right for awaiting a flood (and getting, um, irritated). Add to the length issue a little waist over champion child-bearing hips, and it's not a happy occasion when pants shopping appears on the agenda.

  5. I actually hate shopping... All of it. I would wear jeans and a t-shirt everywhere, but then my aunties string me up and tell me "YOU'RE GOING TO A MEETING LIKE THAT?" So I TRY, I really do, and now I have DIFFERENT SEASONS to deal with instead of it just being hot all the time and IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!


    So yeah. All of it.

  6. If it makes you feel any better, my recent survey of one informed me that I look better in pants than skirts.

    Anyway, for me, the worst thing to shop for is pants. It's hard to find them to fit a big girl with an hourglass shape (small waist, bigger hips, butt, and thighs).

  7. I agree with you 100%! I don't care how small your boo-tay is or isn't, those pockets are hideous!

    I hate shopping for bras! (After three kids I might be going back to a training bra! LOL!)

  8. Ha ha this was a great post and good for a chuckle. I always have a hard time finding the right fit jean for my short legs and well defined rump! I like the low rise, however if its too low my junk makes the back of the waist pucker. Bending over at that point is a huge no no! Unless you enjoy that sort of thing, I however like to keep my unmentionables tucked away where they belong! LOL

  9. 1. Army surplus?
    2. The GAP ?
    3. I get my jeans at ALLOY (try - now, do not be put off by the fact that this company sells clothing for teenagers. BECAUSE. They have an extended range of sizing in pants and jeans...up to, like, size 25 or something, and crazy short and long inseams too. I am a freak-of-nature who still likes flare-leg jeans, and ALLOY has them. But they have regular ones too, and khakis, and dress pants.
    * : ) and fairly cheep.
    4. How bout ROSS dress-for-less, TJ Maxx, or any of their kin? I've gotten killer clothes that fit *just right* at those places...on seemingly fluke circumstances!
    5. AppleBottoms. They're made for the woman with the luscious bootay!
    6. gee wizz...where does Kim Kardashian get HER pants? *haha!
    7. Do you like LEGGINGS? just sayin'....I bet you could totally rock them!

  10. I just bought Jamie some jeans from Old Navy---they're driving me stinkin crazy!!! I'm always after him to pull his pants up, A.L.W.A.Y.S! The pants have pockets that are HUGE and don't even begin until halfway down his now, even if the dang pants are pulled up, they look like they're sagging down...GRRRRrrr!

  11. I have given up buying anything at the store except undies. I live for L.L. Bean and Lands' End. I'm not getting clothes that ROCK, but they come in tall sizes, and that counts for a lot. I'm kind of preppy anyway. Oh, and I mail-order those 38-A bras online. *sigh*

  12. If you want a real "blind" survey, I'll loan you my Amigo. He's a teen, though, so he might just blow off the whole thing.
    I detest shopping for jeans. Health issues and weight gain and I just don't like mirrors. Not a bit.

  13. PS: BLTs with those striped tomatoes? Yum.

  14. Wow, pants for me, too. I am short and round. Most plus-size clothing is designed for women who are tall and round so the rise in most pants is long enough for me to pull them up to my bra. I'm not kidding.

    I realize that quitting Old Navy is a much more emotionally satisfying reaction to their stupidly small butt pockets, but would it be possible to remove the pockets?

  15. I'm with you on the pants. Jeans especially. I'll try them on in the store, feel confident that they fit and then bring them home and never wear them because they're suddenly too tight. It's a nightmare and such a waste of money!

  16. Bathing suits used to be a problem but this summer I finally found the perfect sexy, flattering bathing suit. It's like something from a 1940's pinup calendar and I will never have to buy a bathing suit again. Hurrah!

  17. Pants -
    I hate to buy em
    I hate to try em

    the BIG size
    of my thunder-thighs

  18. Shopping for anything electronic frightens me. A light bulb is about as high tech as my knowledge takes me . . . and I wanted to be Judy in Lost in Space when I was a child. Unfortunately, she was my television role model!

  19. I lost 50 pounds and apparently 30 of it was boobs. I really wanted a new one-piece bathing suit but my top is a few sizes smaller than my bottom.

    I finally found a super-expensive suit that FITS on sale for $14.99

  20. I have the SAME issue. And I'm German too. ;) My mom was watching The Wedding Planner one night and called me to tell me how much Jennifer Lopez reminder her of me. I said, "That's probably just because of the huge bootie." And she says, "Yeah, but that's not the only reason." HA! Sassy!

    Anyway, I always said I'd rather try on swimsuits than jeans. They are such a hard fit for me. Lately I've had really good luck at The Limited. Their jeans are AWESOME. They fit perfectly and no big gaps around the waist either. Try them! :)

  21. Oh definitely pants of any sort--clothes makers assume that anyone with hips my size, also has a huge waist--NOT!

  22. pants are always the worst. always.

  23. Bathing suits!!! Although shoes and jeans come in a close second and third.
    And I HATE the skinny jeans!!

    Best of luck with your search!

  24. What is wrong with you people? CARS! Cars are the worst thing to shop for hands down. Thankfully it doesn't happen very often!


Spill it, reader.