I'm a genetic anomaly among my pear-shaped German-American brethren. They're all thighs and hips while this baby's got back. I appreciate that I wasn't endowed with a hefty bosom like many of my kin, and I guess I'm glad to not fret over the size of my thighs, but my tush--oh my J-Lo, super-sized tush. I think my bottom is the result of some recessive gene pool in my ancestry--do the Scottish have big butts? The Italians? Dutch? Irish? Cherokee? Or perhaps my tuckus is the result of squatting in the garden to pick beans and pull weeds. And a regimen of lunges and kicks in karate class. And regular diet of chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cake and apple pie. Whatever the cause, I need pants because soon it'll be too cold for shorts.
Wherever my rump came from, I generally don't notice it too much. It's behind me. I'm sitting on it, not looking at it. Or I'm standing in front of it, ignoring it. Until it's time to buy pants.
The new trend is skinny--skinnyskinnyskinny. I've had good luck at Old Navy in the past few years, so I tried on a pair of their skinny ankle-length khakis. I had more wrinkles bagging the fabric from buttocks to knees than a Hollywood plastic surgeon has filled in with Botox in the past decade. It looked tacky. And no matter what cut of skinny pants I tried, I kept seeing the same problem--nasty bunching and creasing.
So I grabbed an old, tried and true trend--the cargo pant. Old Navy, what were your designers thinking? Look at the pockets on these pants:
Small pockets + Green Girl's booty = GINORMOUS Looking Booty
Old Navy, we're through. I'm quitting you. Packing up my junk and moving on. And I'm taking that dream of wearing skinny pants and putting it in the same place as my dream of becoming a back up singer for a Motown Girl Group. But I will find new pants ... a pair of cargo pants Just My Size with big pockets and plenty of room in back.
Spill it, reader. What's the worst thing you have to shop for?
*In a blind 2010 survey, 1 participant provided a response. He gave it some thought before answering.