We're one week out from Mr. T's EEG. His haircut is scheduled. He says he feels good and he acts like he feels good. I have to write up a little explanation for his principal to read to his classmates before he arrives at class all connected and wired and wearing a baseball cap atop the works. I'm still praying every day and night that the seizures are gone for good. A lot of people are praying--family, friends, church elders, choir ladies, strangers, even Mr. G includes Mr. T at the end of his bedtime prayer.
There's no way of knowing if the seizures are gone yet, since his seizures start out quick (under 10 seconds) and look like staring spells. They increase in length, frequency and intensity the longer they go unchecked. We'll only know for certain after we hear from the pediatric neurologist.
My BFF asked me if I have a gut feeling about what will happen. I don't. I only know that God wants me to pray and have faith that He loves my son more than I do and that His plans are good. But I am not foolish to misunderstand "good." "Good" in the here and now for me would mean Mr. T's seizures should disappear forever. "Good" in terms of the infinite wisdom of the creator of the universe might possibly mean something different. Part of having faith in God is believing myself to be less than God, so despite His answers to my prayers for my son, I have to believe it's the right thing for the long run, for reasons I may not ever understand.
God wants me to rely on Him and His grace, and the more I do, the more peace I feel, the more I change through His power. I've seen Him drain anger out of me like He attached a straw to my heart--just drawing out the bile and venom I harbored for years in a process that took years because I stubbornly wanted to hold on to my feelings out of pride. I've seen Him make my life fruitful (and fruity)--filling it with more patience, more love, more kindness. If Mr. T's seizures don't go away, it's not because I didn't have enough faith, pray enough or do enough. This experience could be a lesson in continued reliance, patience, belief--all character builders that need to be in place for sometime later in life. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and we're handling Mr. T's seizures.
I can look back at much of my life and see clearly through 20/20 hindsight vision where God allowed things to happen against my will. I also see where He allowed me what I wanted. I've learned a few things over the years:
1. Pray for exactly what you want. Spell it out, specifically, in no uncertain terms. Don't ask God for "a new job." Uh-huh. Ask God for "a full time teaching job in a big high school near lot of interesting people and opportunities. A job in a solid district where I've no chance to get a pink slip soon." I've prayed extremely specific prayers and God has blessed me with exactly what I asked of Him, but on His timing and in ways I never could've imagined.
2. Be thankful. If Mr. T's seizures haven't gone away, I am a better testament to my faith if I keep a good attitude. God has blessed us with excellent health, relationships and resources. We live in a safe and lovely place. My kids go to good schools, our neighbors are fantastic and we've got eternal security. I have to believe that if Mr. T still has seizures, it's for reasons I cannot understand. Maybe God works a miracle and removes them, maybe not. Maybe He will later. His will will be done. My kid's troubles aren't terminal. In the big picture, this is a blip on the radar. I need to keep it in perspective. The best witnesses are those who keep singing praise in the middle of tough circumstances, so no matter what those EEG results, we have to keep our chins up (our collective chins, I only have one chin so far).
3. Keep letting God call the shots. I have no idea where He's steering me or my family, but I believe it's for a good purpose. There's a lot of freedom in kicking back and letting God do the driving.
To sum up this uncharacteristically revealing post about my faith, I'm "letting go and letting God." I'm ready to jump for joy if the EEG results are what we want. I'm still praying and I'm grateful to everyone holding Mr. T up in prayer and to those of you sending all nature of positive thoughts.
If the results aren't what I want, I'll probably feel upset at first, but I'll swallow the bad news while I comfort my kid. We'll refer back to this: Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.--I Thessalonians 5:16-18