Thursday, January 27, 2011

I have confiscated their man juice

because I'm terrified they'll keep using it. A while back, Mr. D gave Mr. B and Mr. G an old bottle of cologne, AKA at Chez Green Girl as "Man Juice." Team Testosterone is known for many things, but subtlety is not among them. In their view of the world, if a little is good, more is great! Mr. B and Mr. G embraced this step into manhood with enthusiasm. Hence the fact that my entire house reeks like a freshman men's college dormitory on a Friday night before all the residents head out to troll the bars. The odor of musk and top notes of sandalwood and amber has saturated their pores--and their clothes, their bedding, the floors, even the walls. I imagine this must be what living in a male brothel must smell like.

My nasal passages are burning, my eyes are stinging and my lungs feel tight with the effort to breathe. Before they could unleash more of this WMD, I demanded they hand it over. "Go get it. NOW!"

Mr. B obediently ran upstairs, found the bottle of "Brut Desire Noir" and gave it to me.

"I'm putting this away in a safe place until you're old enough to use it responsibly." Turning on my heel, I strode towards my bathroom to deposit the bottle of Man Juice on a high shelf. When I returned, Mr. B still stood in the living room, his blue eyes wide, his sweet round face troubled.

"Mom, I thought you'd like the smell of Man Juice. Dad says girls like it and you're a girl."

"Oh, buddy. I am a girl, but you're using way too much. Just a single squirt a day is enough. You don't have to marinate in it. Sheesh, kid, you've probably got girls as far away as Texas sniffing the air, wondering where that smell is coming from."

People, it's January. I can't open my windows to air out the house so there's nothing to do for it but let the odors die a natural death with diluted white vinegar and a thorough bed washing. Damn Man Juice. Almost as bad as head lice. (Though not quite.)


30 comments:

  1. Same thing in my home! I can't breathe! I have allergies to everything in the soap, perfume, cleaning product department. Working on my DAUGHTER to use a little less! I did open the windows on Sat. to air out the stench!

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  2. Don't ever, ever let discover Axe. I'm just getting over the headache. Poor Janey, first she had to ride to school with Jenna (you could always smell her from the next room), then she had to drive Judson and he too believed that if a little is good, then more is much, much better. Axe body wash, Axe deodorant and Polo Black. Oy, the combination still makes my head spin and all the Mrs. Meyer's lavender fabric softener in the world won't get that stink out of shirts and sheets!

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  3. I remember those days! The whole cologne thing really is a rite of passage.
    The smell doesn't bother me - must be because I smell it all day in my classroom.

    But Brut does bring back old HS memories...Do you remember who also wore that cologne?

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  4. Your images here are quite vivid and appropriately disturbing.

    There is a lady at my aerobics class whom I now suspect uses this stuff.

    I hesitate to say it, but it is quite possible that Nothing is as bad as head lice.

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  5. LOL! Okay, it's probably not funny to you since your eyes are burning and you're imagining what it must be like to live in a male brothel. But it's funny to me!

    Oh, thank you for the morning laugh.

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  6. I have driven bunches of boys home from high school football practice with my head hanging out of the window. The Axe combined with the sweat smell made my eyes burn and my head ache.

    I made my middle one promise me (he was bad about dousing himself in the stuff) that he would not put on Axe until AFTER he left the house. Preferably while he was outside.

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  7. I'm laughing! ...not at you though, because the same thing has gone down in my house!

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  8. Oh my gosh, this is so funny! Luckily, perfume and cologne aren't allowed here, as two of us are allergic, so I don't have to worry about the girls pulling out bottles of something equally pungent.

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  9. Now, this bog is funny!! Maybe you can get them some new "man juice" that smells better....

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  10. Throw a handful of baking soda into your slow cooker and let it simmer for the night. De-smells beautifully.

    One of mine came home today with serious armpit fragrance, eeew! Dude, remember your deodorant!

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  11. Man Jucie - you slay me! Just wait for Axe Body Spray - heaven help you!

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  12. Wish more mums were as responsible as you!!!!

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  13. I'd throw on an extra sweatshirt and socks and wrap up in the pink snuggie with HRC's book in your room wit the door closed, and then open up a few windows up in the man cave (and any other areas) until the stink has decreased. My bro used to love Cool Waters in high school. While I still like that smell, it's a bit obnoxious when it's combined with the middle school funk that all boys have, deodorant or not. Cram us all in a tiny Ford Festiva, and you have a recipe for nastiness.

    But if you want a REALLY bad smell, I'll call ya over when Farmer's come home from working in the silo or after burning off horns. It's enough to make you run for the hills. He's already eaten supper in his undies because his clothes are so nasty.

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  14. Oh dear...and here I was thinking of buying buddy some Polo for Valentine's day...he's quite taken to Axe (puke city!) and steal's Sugar Daddy's cologne whenever he gets the chance...Versace on a 10 year old...anyway!

    T-14 days until you are here my sweet...where you can breathe the air and sleep with the windows open! Can't wait!!!!

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  15. OMG -- I nearly choked reading this, especially the part about them not supposed to be marinating in it. How funny! My husband doesn't wear it often, but I like it when he does. I'm so weird and LOVE the smell of Brut 33. You know, that cheap stuff you can buy at the grocery store. I love it. I wish I could wear it without getting weird looks.

    And I'm still laughing @ 'man juice'.

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  16. I say it's a far cry better than that eau de stink my 'boys' let linger around the house after a hard work out - there's no doubt in my mind why they call it eau de toilette

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  17. I think I have a sympathetic headache just imagining the smell. Ugh. The Boy once mistakenly MIXED not one, but TWO Man Juice varieties to create a "personalized" scent.

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  18. Love this! I had to have a similar conversation with my 5th graders a few years ago. Gross!

    I linked this in my Friday Five over at Kate's Library!

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  19. That is a great story! It really made me chuckle. There are grown men who do the same thing. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

    Have a clean air weekend!

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  20. Snicker. Some schools don't allow any colognes or perfumes. Maybe that could be your excuse.

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  21. I use to like the smell of men's cologne until the teenagers in my home bathed in it. It must be a male species "thing". Along with selective hearing, they develop sensory disorder!

    Axe is the worst.

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  22. I'm joining in the Mom Chorus of "be glad it wasn't Axe".
    If I was in the basement and Cape Cod Kid was on the second floor, I always knew when he was just out of the shower.
    Now I just get to enjoy it when he's here for the holidays.

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  23. Oh, I remember when my son got a hold of a little (thank goodness) bottle of cologne. I didn't want to damage his little psyche, but Geez!

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  24. yep. that's the wonder of AXE. i'm sick of this one kid who insists on overdosing himself with his "Totally Ripped Abs" cologne.

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  25. I used to think there was nothing worse than being penned up with someone with too much (any, really) cologne, until I got penned up with a whole different kind of Man Juice. Man.

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  26. my boys haven't discovered such pleasures. i have to force the deodorant every day (it took me 2 minutes to figure out how to spell deodorant correctly. sigh)

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  27. I'm still stuck on the fact that Mr. D had any to give away in the first place. Stop it at the source, sistafriend. Stop it at the source.

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  28. Some of my students use cologne to cover up the fact that they don't bathe frequently. Dare I say that this tactic fails miserably?

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Spill it, reader.