Friday, May 27, 2011

29 bottles of booze on the wall

The other night Green Girl and Mr. D attended a benefit for a woman with brain tumors. It's a sad story, she's young, with a lovely husband and 2 young kids. She's permanently debilitated by a series of tumors. Green Girl and Mr. D bought some raffle tickets and bid on some auction items to support her care.

You know how no one wins the big raffle prizes?

In Wisconsin those big raffle prizes aren't trips to the Bahamas, they're ginormous amounts of alcohol. In this case, a huge cooler filled with 29 bottles of booze, four 12-packs of beer, a half-barrel of beer, two Packers jerseys and a 2-night casino package at a resort Up North.

Joking around with their neighbors, Mr. D announced that he'd be the Big Winner of the grand prize. Then the numbers got called.

Mr. D's numbers.

It took Mr. D, Green Girl and a neighbor guy to haul the lot out to their car. Promises of summer pool parties were made as Mr. D and Green Girl drove home (slowly, lest they get pulled over with over 30 gallons of alcohol in their vehicle). (But not so slowly as to garner unwanted attention.)

They unloaded their winnings in the garage and gawked. Vodka in every flavor imaginable, whiskey--bourbon and rye, tequila, rum. (No gin! That's a shame.) Whatever would they do? They figured they could pawn off the whiskey and a few random bottles to people with new homes, people hosting graduation parties, people with birthdays coming up. That left them with over 20 bottles to spare.

They calculate it will take them 10 years to consume and gift away all the booze in that cooler. (The beer should only last a few months, tops. Mr. D and Green Girl aren't big booze drinkers, they like beer or wine. They've had the same bottles of booze in their liquor cabinet for over 12 years--booze they bought to serve family attending Mr. T's baptism party.) Incidentally, Green Girl and Mr. D won their grand prize on the same night the world was supposed to end.

There's some grizzled preacher predicting the end of the world. He was wrong before, he was wrong again. He's telling everyone that he knows the exact date of when the world will end, but dangitall, he got the math wrong.

Green Girl cannot resist applying some logic to his theory. That's what she does when she's smoothing an iron across Mr. D's shirts and digging holes for her tomato plants. So, grizzled preacher, here's why your prophecy of the world ending in October is destined to fail:

1. Claim: God is so powerful that He'll end the world.
2. Claim: God revealed the date to you.
3. Claim: You did the math wrong, so you recalculated.
4. Claim: God gave you the means to calculate the exact date of the end of the world.

Uh, grizzled preacher? If God is so powerful that He can destroy the whole of creation as we know it, don't you think He'd be capable of getting the right answer on a math problem? And if you are God's mouthpiece, isn't it presumable that the creator of all things would give you the right information to share?

(In addition, of course, to the several Scripture references about nobody knowing the time when the second coming will actually occur. In Green Girl's experience, prophets don't contradict Scripture.)

In short, Green Girl's in no rush to eat, drink and be merry. She's figuring you just bought her plenty of time. And Mr. D's lucky ticket number bought her plenty to drink.

Spill it, reader. What grand prize have you ever won?


  1. Nice one, Green Girl! It reminds me of last summer when we were attending the Lake Association's Summer Party and Raffle. Our table looked somewhat like yours, but we won our prizes one at a time. (I wanted to choose something else but was not allowed, it had to be booze.)

    What saddens me most about the apocalypse/rapture are the people that spent all of their savings because that quack told them the end is here. I know it's their choice but what are they going to live off after October 21?

  2. p.s. Are you coming to my casino?

  3. Nice prize! I can just see all the wild parties at your house this summer ;)

    The end of the world guy is a total nut job---all the people mindlessly following him is heart breaking! (in a way the makes me want to smack them upside their big dumb ol' heads, of course)

  4. That is a LOT of liquor.

    I rarely win anything. But in 6th grade I came in second in the county spelling bee, and won a gallon of chocolate ice cream and a dictionary. Best prize ever! Maybe you could barter your liquor for some ice cream.

  5. That's one big haul!

    I read that Camping had a really bad weekend when he realized the rapture hadn't happened as predicted. I was thinking, "So, he would have had a better weekend if it had been the end of the world as we know it?" Geez.

  6. I won a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner for drawing a portrait of my mother in a mother's day art contest. Age 7.

    Btw, if we accept "gift" as a verb, taking away its status as a noun, what are the tenses of it? The alcohol is what we gifted (to?) our hosts?
    ahh,'gifted' I miss your original intent - gave.

    It must have been a drunkard who started that one...
    * ; p
    as Jim Morrison famously said...
    'I'm gonna get my kicks before the whole sh!thouse goes up in flames.'

    And now, GG, you are more than set to do the same, with enough libations to last at least 2 more raptures.

  7. I don't know if I've ever won one...
    Maybe I'm up next!

    What about trying to trade your liquor for some beer & wine?

  8. I have NEVER won anything cool. Seriously, never.

    Maybe you can hang onto that liquor and re-raffle it at the next fundraiser.

  9. I won a $1000 once for being a star employee:) I was making $4.25, so that was some serious cash!

  10. That is one boatload of booze!

    I entered a recipe contest where I had to develop a recipe using totally natural all-natural Jambalaya won the grand prize of a GE Microwave/Convection oven and a $250 gift card to the store that manufactured and sold my creation for a year.

  11. Keep some of those more "girly" bottles for this fall when I'm done being pregnant...we can have a grand old time with the other Bumbles! break away from the wine for a night and have some neon colored girly drinks! :)

  12. That's like a full bar. Man.

  13. Oh my gosh -- that's hysterical about the booze. Have fun! And that preacher dude is just crazy. Now he's changed the date again. Maybe he needs to read his Bible a little more carefully. ;)

  14. That's a ton of booze!

    We recently won $250 cash at the youth basketball banquet.

  15. I won a weekend away at an outdoor camp--it was worth $750, so I split the cost of my stepsister's with her and we had a grand time!

    If you don't finish all that booze by the time the boys get to high school you'll need a locking cabinet for it. Jusy sayin'!

  16. Wowza,!!!!! I only ever won a jar of jelly beans in 3rd grade" that I'm a big girl I'd like that better :)

  17. No gin? Darn. I have to be careful about silent auctions. I put in bids on two baskets last year at a high school production. Darn it, I won both. Too bad I just yanked all the mint; I'd bring some out your way for mojitos.

  18. Hello~ I've got a favor to ask...I would like to invite you over for a visit to see a very special post I've written. I would love it if you could take a few moments to stop by.
    Thank you,

  19. I've never won anything! But I'm not sure I'd want to win all that booze. Like you, I'm a beer and wine girl. ;)


Spill it, reader.