Friday, September 16, 2011

when you take a ninja to the groctry store...

It's baking weather here--a free day on Friday with naught to do but add a little PLOT to my manuscript and hang out laundry. And indulge my urge to bake cookie bars. I'll need some comfort food when I get home tonight from candidate training at the dojo. Baked goods and a glass of wine will be a nice treat. I've got tape for my ankle, pills for my elbow and butterflies in my stomach. Hopefully Mr. O sticks with a traditional easy first night and then kills us tomorrow...

Which brings me to a funny story. This week I had to spend 3 hours taking VIRTUS training so I can keep volunteering at the parochial school. The movie we watched was something else--complete with a stereotypical creepy dude in glasses and long ponytail leering at the children from behind a bush beside a playground. (What really cracked me up was how the one mom marches over and pulls her daughter away leaving all of the other children behind in the company of the suspected pedophile in the film segment titled Protecting All God's Children. Anyhoo...) It was a good thing I wasn't sitting next to my BFF or I'd have made snarky comments all the way through instead of listening respectfully like I actually did.

At the karate school much is made of "Stranger Danger." Too much. In reality, most assaults and abductions involve people we already know. Strangers account for a mere fraction of criminal activity involving children. But nevermind, the parents all feel happy when their kids learn about "Stranger Danger" at karate class.

One of the nifty things we teach the kids is to YELL things like "You're not my mom!"

Cut to the grocery store where I'm trying to wrangle Team Testosterone to submit to my will without coercing them Oreos and Mountain Dew. Sure they give me sass, but then one wise-ass in the group will yell to me, "You're not my mom!" That clever little phrase we learned at the dojo.

Poor little monkey doesn't count on his mom being smarter than average. I reply (in front of customers, cashier and bag boy), "YOU just wait until we get home and I tell YOUR FATHER what you did today." (It wasn't the first time I disowned my kids in the check-out aisle. I'm fond of telling them, "Your mother will NOT like to hear how you behaved today.")

As we're fond of saying around here, "the family that kicks together, sticks together."

16 comments:

  1. My little darlings would sometimes (out of sight of but within hearing distance of others) noisily slap their own arms and moan "Ow, ow, don't hit me, Mom" and then we'd come around the corner where I'd get the stink-eye from everyone who heard it. There is NO disclaimer that sounds even remotely reasonable "Ha, ha, darn kids pretending I smack them"... and hoping their own kids were just as diabolical as mine.

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  2. "The family that kicks together, sticks together." LOVE it!

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  3. Mine know that i OWN the title of The Meanest Mommy in the World, and am not afraid to put it in motion.

    http://psychotatter.blogspot.com/2009/09/its-official.html

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  4. Haha! That is too funny! Can't outsmart mom!

    I took that "training" a few years back too. Not sure how helpful it was, but I guess they are trying. ;)

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  5. LOL! doesn't that just shock them into silence when you do something like that? love it.

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  6. Parochial school? ACK. Are you one of those teachers that raps knuckles with rulers?? LOL

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  7. My mom, age 74, had to take that same class this year so she could be the housekeeper for our deacon. I'm sure it was quite enlightening! I probably had 15 years of volunteering with the school system before they caught up with me and made me take it too!

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  8. Ha! It's good to be smarter than the rugrats!

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  9. Amigo used to say "You're not my mother!" when he was mad at me. I'd muse "nine months of heartburn, all for nothing." I can't claim a long labor; he was born quickly. It was "Look out world, here I come!"

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  10. Oh yeah I can remember Kathy yelling at me when we where out shopping "you're not my mum" and I would reply then who am I and she would come back a big meannie......shopping with Kathy was always fun.........and an exercise in stress..........

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  11. Growing up we were taught... "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you CAN'T FOOL MOM. You are definitely one of those moms. Great comebacks!

    xo jj

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  12. Love baking weather!

    That video--oy. I like to think in that situation, I would have made all the children come away with me, not just my own. I once witnessed seriously creepy, potentially pedophilic behavior in the park across the street from our house. My kids weren't even in the park at the time but I called 911. Fastest cop response time EVER. It turned out, however that the whole incident was an example of my cultural ignorance. The "creepy" man had recently come here from a different country, and had entirely different reference point about what is appropriate behavior around young children you're not related to. It was an important lesson on many levels.

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  13. Ha! That cashier must have been all giggles. ;)

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  14. Haha ...I still ask out loud when I'm with any of my older relatives in a store if they called their parole officer today which they always have a comeback for ...good stuff GG. :)

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  15. I laughed out loud there at the end. I might just adopt this technique myself. :)

    Enjoy your wine and cookie bars. I'm thinking of making Rice Krispie treats tomorrow.

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  16. I did something similar with my son if he was having a meltdown where I would say: boy, is your mom going to be mad at you! and then he'd cry-YOU are my mom!!!! and I'd say, noway, my little Andrew would never act like this....

    It usually made him pause enough to start thinking rationally again!

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