Tuesday, February 12, 2013

little known fact

I am a violent sneezer.  When I sneeze, it's LOUD and obnoxious and I double-over and my entire body jerks with the force of expelling boogers and saliva out of my nose and mouth.  When I sneeze, everybody within a 20-foot radius knows it.  The sound and the atmospheric pressure tips them off. 

Knowing this, I crouch and bend my head low to the ground, assuming a position similar to the one we learned would protect us from a nuclear blast during the 70's.  
Only instead of covering the back of my head, I cover my face.

I also try to maintain an upright or prostrate position for fear of throwing out my back.

Right now I've got about 5 minutes before I can leave the house to grocery shop and swing by the post office.  I have to time my errands with my cold medication.  About 15 minutes after I take cold medicine, my body launches into a sneezing fit.  For about 10 minutes after the initial sneezing fit, I'll periodically heave out a random "ATCHOOOO!" and then I'm good to go for about 2 hours before I'll sneeze again. 

When I sneeze, I'm worthless.  I can't hold them back, muffle their force or function because my body's jerking and I'm busy keeping both hands up to my face.  I definitely don't want the sneezing to hit while I'm in the produce department--spewing germs all over my fellow shoppers and the food for sale.  Then there's the inconvenience of leaving my shopping cart while I flee to the bathroom to scrub my hands.  It's scary to start sneezing while driving in the Momvan, too.  And there's no rhyme or reason to the amount of mucus expelled when I sneeze.  Could be a real juicy one, could be fairly dry.  There's no way to predict it which leads to more potential public humiliation.  And a sneezing fit leaves me a little exhausted and breathless from all the exertion.

So I watch the clock after swallowing a couple Advil Cold/Sinus.  Bide my time quarantined in a safe place until they're over.  Then I can catch my breath, scrub my hands and leave the house.  

Spill it, reader.  On sneezing--are you one of the delicate sneezers or a full-blown expeller of bodily fluids like yours truly?



15 comments:

  1. People come out of their homes trying to determine if we've had a 'quake when my sneezing fit of seven to ten expulsions lets loose.
    I have ZERO control over the process and can only hang on until it's over. For twenty-five years my husband has said, "Can't you sneeze less forcefully?" Trust me, if i could, I certainly would.

    I hear you, I feel for you and I am right there with you...

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  2. Personally, I am a quiet sneezer. My husband, O Lord! I seriously could win a million dollars if I video taped him....he sneezes different each time, and sometimes incorporates words (most not worthy of typing lol). "AchooooyBooy" is the family favorite and made us late for church because I was putting on mascara when he did it and about poked out my eye and then couldn't stop laughing, which caused tears to ruin any attempt at makeup!

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  3. My sneezes are fairly easy to contain - with the exception of a doozy of one that completely cleared my body of all fluids out of my nose while I was talking to a sales clerk about a birthday gift for my gal a few weeks ago. I'm still recovering from that one. No doubt she is too.

    Coughing however, is a different story. I'm a full body cougher. My allergies like to take the form of a cough - which is more fun than you can imagine. I go into these coughing fits for no reason that last a good 15 minutes and nothing, absolutely nothing, stops. I have thrown my back out coughing, I have damaged my rib cage coughing - and once, in a drugged sleep that was supposed to take the cough out and only succeeded in taking me out - I threw an elbow and cracked my better half's rib in the process of my coughing. When mama has a cough, everyone takes cover.

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  4. My sister actually says, "Achoo" like they do in cartoons because she thinks that you ought to make a real sounding noise. I don't sneeze very often, but when I do, it is violent. I do feel it coming way ahead of time and can usually grab a tissue or a piece of paper towel. On the other hand, I cough a lot and forget to cover my mouth. My daughter thinks I'm very rude.

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  5. My husband is a very violent sneezer. It sounds like he's expelling a lung. Sometimes I think he makes his bodily functions extra loud on purpose but thanks to you I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

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  6. I'm one of those giant sneezers, too. I cannot for the life of me figure out how people do those little tiny "hachoo"s.

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  7. I sneeze in threes. I didn't realize it until two former coworkers, with whom I shared office space, teased me about it one day. They also teased me that my sneezes are quite ladylike, although those must be the dust-tickling-my-delicate-flower-nasal-passages sneezes.

    Hmmmm, I haven't had a cold in so long I can't remember what my sick sneezes are like. Illness, however, is much more likely to take up residence in my lungs than in my nose and throat. Yes, I realize I have just cursed myself and I should go ahead and schedule an appointment with my physician for about 10 days from now.

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    Replies
    1. Ha! As I read this, I was thinking, "She has just doomed herself to a cold."

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  8. I have no idea...I must be a silent infrequent sneezer b/c I do not even remember the last time I sneezed.
    anyway...God bless you!

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  9. I am a quiet sneezer but my hubby OMG!!! talk about nuclear blasts... He's a crazy sneezer - so I guess it's true, opposites attract :D

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  10. I'm an average sneezer in volume. I only ever do one sneeze. I don't know how people can do 3 or 4 in a row.

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  11. I tend to be a loud and violent sneezer, but I've startled my husband so many times over the years that I've worked hard to tone things down (and hopefully not blow my brains out through my nose in the process).

    I hope you're feeling better soon.

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  12. Wow. That sounds crazy. I would love to see you in action. I don't know if I've ever seen anything like that. :)

    I'm one of those that tries to hold in a sneeze, especially when there is lots of snot involved. Otherwise, I am a typical Ah-choo kind of sneezer. I have always been envious of people who sneeze with a tiny little squeak. The kind where your not even sure the person sneezed or has a strange tick. Love those. ;)

    Hope you feel better soon. Grace has got a peach of a cold.

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  13. I am a vigorous sneezer, and it's impossible for me to sneeze just once.

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Spill it, reader.