I've been restless for a couple years now, trying to figure out the next stage of my life. My baby Mr. G's in school all day and really, it only takes me a couple hours to pull the old home and hearth together and then I sit for the rest of the day waiting until my second shift begins. I'm filling my time with the occasional painting project, subbing, volunteering, but I wish I had something more substantial going on here. There's got to be more to life than this, I keep thinking. So I pray. God? A little direction here? A clear path to where You want me to head? Back to teaching? Organic farming? Writing? Perhaps something else entirely? I'm waiting...
I've prayed variations on that prayer for almost 4 years now and darn, I've come awfully close to what I thought were good, productive uses of my life just to watch them fray and crumble at the very last moment. Books written but not bought by publishers. A business proposal that looked sustainable and environmentally sound--but upon closer examination would hemorrhage more money than a Congressional budget. Most recently, I actually pulled on my Spanx, brushed up my resume, dusted off my transcripts and applied for a real live teaching position.
Oh! It was the most wonderful position! Part-time! At this super-fabulous charter school! Teaching all kinds of writing to all kinds of kids without a workbook/textbook/Shakespeare based curriculum!
And then I got the call telling me the part-time was now going to be full-time. I struggled with that. The biggest constraint on my life right now is needing to be here by 3:00 for the tribe--to watch Mr. T run cross-country, to help Mr. B do his homework, to enjoy that little bit of time together before the activities take our breath away. I even made a T-chart and listed what I'd give up for this job--and I wrote stuff down like "karate" and "blogging" and "hire a cleaning person for the house."
Maybe You're really pushing me, God. If this is Your will...
And then I got the other call telling me that I didn't make the cut. They were offering the job to somebody else.
I'm disappointed, but kind of relieved. I mean, full-time, that would have really been pushing it. But it was such a perfect job for me! I'd be so good at it!
The thing is, I'm back to square one once again. Square one tastes a little like failure and uselessness and boredom. Yet, how hard do I start looking for something I'm not even sure I want? I don't want to go back to school for 6 credits just to start teaching. I don't want to send out a series of job applications. I really don't want to get a different degree, either. I don't need a paycheck, but I'd need to make enough for a job to be worth my while because Uncle Sam will definitely take a huge chunk. I don't want to work full-time, I don't want to sit through staff meetings or follow silly rules.
So here I am, with a few ideas rolling around my brain, the same prayer starting my day.
God? A little direction here? Some signs?