Tuesday, June 18, 2013

square one

I've been restless for a couple years now, trying to figure out the next stage of my life.  My baby Mr. G's in school all day and really, it only takes me a couple hours to pull the old home and hearth together and then I sit for the rest of the day waiting until my second shift begins.  I'm filling my time with the occasional painting project, subbing, volunteering, but I wish I had something more substantial going on here.    There's got to be more to life than this, I keep thinking.  So I pray.  God?  A little direction here?  A clear path to where You want me to head?  Back to teaching?  Organic farming?  Writing?  Perhaps something else entirely?  I'm waiting...

I've prayed variations on that prayer for almost 4 years now and darn, I've come awfully close to what I thought were good, productive uses of my life just to watch them fray and crumble at the very last moment.  Books written but not bought by publishers.  A business proposal that looked sustainable and environmentally sound--but upon closer examination would hemorrhage more money than a Congressional budget. Most recently, I actually pulled on my Spanx, brushed up my resume, dusted off my transcripts and applied for a real live teaching position.

Oh!  It was the most wonderful position!  Part-time!  At this super-fabulous charter school!  Teaching all kinds of writing to all kinds of kids without a workbook/textbook/Shakespeare based curriculum!

 And then I got the call telling me the part-time was now going to be full-time.  I struggled with that.  The biggest constraint on my life right now is needing to be here by 3:00 for the tribe--to watch Mr. T run cross-country, to help Mr. B do his homework, to enjoy that little bit of time together before the activities take our breath away.  I even made a T-chart and listed what I'd give up for this job--and I wrote stuff down like "karate" and "blogging" and "hire a cleaning person for the house."

Maybe You're really pushing me, God.  If this is Your will...

And then I got the other call telling me that I didn't make the cut.  They were offering the job to somebody else.

I'm disappointed, but kind of relieved.  I mean, full-time, that would have really been pushing it.  But it was such a perfect job for me!  I'd be so good at it!

The thing is, I'm back to square one once again.   Square one tastes a little like failure and uselessness and boredom.  Yet, how hard do I start looking for something I'm not even sure I want?  I don't want to go back to school for 6 credits just to start teaching.  I don't want to send out a series of job applications.  I really don't want to get a different degree, either.  I don't need a paycheck, but I'd need to make enough for a job to be worth my while because Uncle Sam will definitely take a huge chunk.  I don't want to work full-time, I don't want to sit through staff meetings or follow silly rules. 

So here I am, with a few ideas rolling around my brain, the same prayer starting my day.

God?  A little direction here?  Some signs?  

18 comments:

  1. Well, we're moving to Milwaukee on Friday (things can go really fast after going really slow for months) so my job is up for grabs come September. 16 hours in Green Bay sound good?

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  2. Hang tight. I'm waiting for that sign too.

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  3. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

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  4. Won't be long until I'm in the same boat. I'm a bit nervous about it. I have never kept a job longer than a couple of years (besides parenting)as I've always had a good "out". I get bored too easily, and I don't like the strict schedule a job would require. Can't wait to see where you're led!

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  5. This song has played in my head, many a time. I reached your place in 2006 (I had my Master's but Logan was in 7th grade so went part-time as a receptionist...perfect), 2009 (Logan's in high school but still don't want to give up time after school so another part-time at a church...still perfect) 2011 (Logan graduates and NOW is the time for a full-time job to use my education and help pay for his. I dust off the resume, hit the streets, do interviews and.....................2 1/2 years later I'm still at the perfect part-time job and have decided to sit and be patient, there is obviously something out there that God knows and I do not. Good luck:)

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  6. I'm in the same situation. I'm about to start my 5th school year in a job I never expected to stay at that long. I'm ready to move on but still love the 8:30 to 1:30 hours. I'm willing to give up a little of my summer off even. I have a phone interview today. I guess I'll see what that leads to.

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  7. I'm so disappointed that that job didn't work out for you. I knew it was just perfect for you.

    But...

    I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. Therefore, I assume the job didn't happen because there's something better for you around the corner. Who knows when it will appear, but it will.

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  8. teaching .... creative writing in an extension course? ....english as a second language?.... long term sub?
    It sounded like you had a good time teaching munchkins in the 2nd grade. God will provide, sometimes we just have to be patient, no matter how impatient we get.

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  9. I know you live in a fairly small town, so I don't know if this opportunity exists, but have you considered volunteer teaching/mentoring in an adult literacy program? Since you don't specifically need a paycheck, that would be something where your teaching and writing/reading skills could be put to good use.

    I've not been in your position, but I have known other women who were. I hope the right opportunity comes along :-)

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  10. Everything happens for a reason. You were not meant to have that job no matter how good it looks on paper.
    What about just a little side job that makes a little bit of money but that you are interested in? Working at a greenhouse somewhere? A bookstore? Something that feels like a hobby but brings in a little extra cash?
    I have a feeling I'll be in the same boat in a few years. It is hard to decide when to start looking into going back to school or work. I still need to be here in summer and after school to watch the kids for the next however many years, so it is hard to plan around that.
    Keep on praying!

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  11. Sorry it didn't work out. The right thing will come along if you keep your mind open!

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  12. As someone who has been spinning wheels for a couple of years, I understand the frustration. For me, a volunteering gig morphed into a part-time job recently; it's both a blessing and not-so-much-a-blessing (the woman I am replacing is a friend and she is headed to Guatemala for 3 years).
    I'm glad you recognize that your boys still need you. They do.

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  13. I really wouldn't have been happy working full-time when my kids were your kids age and I suspect (I could be wrong) that you wouldn't either. I'm surprised to hear you feeling directionless when you seem so incredibly and positively productive to me. What about a position as a library technician in a local school? You liked the second-graders, you could lesson plan and . . . books!

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  14. Sometimes he answers, with No. Other times it's wait. You never know the path life will take, just enjoy the journey.

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  15. I'm sorry the job didn't work out, but maybe it's for the best. There are so many possibilities in life, and sometimes we arrive at something via a very strange path.

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  16. option A: keep on blogging and writing and perhaps option B will make itself known :)

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  17. As for the 6 credits for license renewal - I can refer you to a few inexpensive resources. In the category of "You get out of it what you put into it" these courses can be quick & easy or quick, easy, and valuable.

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  18. ...this is a test of the emergency Faith system.
    This is only a test.
    Relax, know you are loved, and do exactly as you do.
    You cannot Fail.
    This is only a test.


    Obvs you didn't get that job because The Universe (God) has something much, much better just around the corner for you...and ...c'mon...Spanx? Really? *heehee! Okay, okay...I got some too, for occasional use, but certainly not for daily work attire. ::shudder::
    Anyway.
    Greens, I am glad to see you asking God for guidance this way....You are a very introspective woman, and this is the perfect state of mind to be in to get the next Really Good Thing for you to be doing!!

    It's hard for me to picture you with ALL the Beasties in school now... ~ wow ! ~ that is a change... I'm thinking of all your skills. Over this past weekend, I came across your Christmas card, with all of you standing in the position of the Olympic Rings, all smiling so big! *heehee! Well, at least, I knew that's what you were doing!

    In my "cowboy corner" hanging from an antique, wooden, crank-style telephone - a silver star. In the middle of the star, it says HOPE!
    I think of y'all all the time...
    I've been mighty busy falling in love...

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Spill it, reader.