Thursday, November 10, 2016

ouch

My head and heart both hurt over here. Other people (like Aaron Sorkin and John Pavlovitz) have expressed my fears, frustrations and sadness more eloquently than I can, so I'll leave their words linked. I'm raw. Cried raw, can't eat raw, can't sleep raw. Almost burst into tears five times while teaching yesterday. The only person I saw in real life who didn't need my comfort was the school librarian, who while I passed his desk to sign out computers for next week, said, "This is a hard day, isn't it?" I wanted to bury my face in his shoulder and give in to deep heavy sobs, but I'm an ugly crier so I answered, "Yeah. It's tough." Then I walked really fast up the stairs to Room 212 and blinked back the tears.  If I'd have stopped and looked fully in his face, I'd have lost it and the snot and drizzle would've covered my shirt. The only person I hugged was Mr. G who thought someone died. That made me feel worse in a way. He's the only one home with me this week (the rest are on a hunting trip), poor twelve year old kid shouldn't bear the burden of my grief and terror, so I choked it down a little deeper.

What to do?

Pray. (Which I've done and continue to do. I've poured it out and poured it out and parked it in Psalms where words like "Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me, And horror has overwhelmed me" Ps 55:5 and "Why do you boast in evil, mighty man ...your tongue devises destruction, like a sharp razor working deceitfully, you love evil more than good, lying rather than speaking righteousness, you love all devouring words you deceitful tongue" Ps. 52:1-3).  Cold comfort in Psalms right now.  I'll try again tonight, though.

Remember it's November and try to be grateful.

Just five things a day. Little things. Pause and be thankful.

Here we go:

1. The custodians are doing a pretty good job cleaning the bathroom on the 2nd floor of Happyland High this year. I appreciate that.
2.  All of my classes are good, this year's seniors are a nice class. But especially 8th hour. Every day they make me laugh. I'm thankful for those goofy 8th hour kids.
3.  I got all my first quarter grades in and am experiencing a bit of a lull on the grading front right now. Heavenly.
4.  The weather has been crazy mild. Even saw this lilac blooming in the garden. A small, fragrant springtime bloom in November. Out of place but welcomed and deeply inhaled.



5.  Hearing my sons' teachers tell me how good and kind and helpful they are at school. No academic awards coming their way anytime soon, but they don't miss assignments, and they're praised for their respectful behavior and creativity.  Parent-teacher conferences can be pretty swell.


11 comments:

  1. I have to admit, I don't know how to deal with this. I think maybe it's because I don't know what will happen. What will be allowed to happen? Other than spending several hours comforting my sobbing daughter on Wednesday, I've been trying to distance myself from the result. I feel like I need time before I can confront it, but I also feel extremely helpless in the face of friends who are in marginal groups and face much scarier consequences. This is such a dark time for the US.

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  2. You are not alone in your grieving. It's hard to even express the emotions in words.

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  3. I've channeled [some of] my despair into reading more about what, exactly, DJT is able to actually do, and what was just campaign bullshit. At the suggestion of a Buddhist friend, I'm reading a few teachings about facing this kind of adversity, and that has been soothing. We've been in the grip of Republicans (admittedly, not at this death grip level) before and survived, and we can get through this. We CAN and we WILL.

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  4. Yesterday I was sad and terrified. Today I'm realizing we need to listen to those who elected him. We need to learn why they voted the way they did - not all of them are racists. We need to fix our education system. We need to fix our system, period. It's going to be a long haul, but we can do this. Today, I've started organizing.

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  5. I went straight from grief to rage. I am so angry. I want to scream at anyone who tells me to accept defeat gracefully, to "get over it." I think of every time I've been harassed or menaced by a man and I want to go on a rampage. Trump will set feminism back by sixty years.I feel sick.

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  6. Well said. I do want to say you should be very proud of your boys. Not just their wonderful teacher comments, but knowing how you and Mr. D have raised them to respect women. And you've done a bangup job.

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  7. I am right there with you. I am still deep in grief. I am finding it difficult to pray and relying on the good will of others who are praying. Thank you for reminding me to continue to be grateful for the good in my life. I am grateful for good and kind and compassionate teachers. Like you.

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  8. So many feelings...we stand together, we hope together.

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  9. "He will cover you with his feathers; under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91 is my go-to in times of trouble and anguish.

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  10. Psalms are helpful. I've been avoiding most social media and a few specific people -- good people but on a different political track. I had two really rough days and it was hard to concentrate on work. I'm not sure what that says about my faith since I work at a church.

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Spill it, reader.