My head and heart both hurt over here. Other people (like Aaron Sorkin and John Pavlovitz) have expressed my fears, frustrations and sadness more eloquently than I can, so I'll leave their words linked. I'm raw. Cried raw, can't eat raw, can't sleep raw. Almost burst into tears five times while teaching yesterday. The only person I saw in real life who didn't need my comfort was the school librarian, who while I passed his desk to sign out computers for next week, said, "This is a hard day, isn't it?" I wanted to bury my face in his shoulder and give in to deep heavy sobs, but I'm an ugly crier so I answered, "Yeah. It's tough." Then I walked really fast up the stairs to Room 212 and blinked back the tears. If I'd have stopped and looked fully in his face, I'd have lost it and the snot and drizzle would've covered my shirt. The only person I hugged was Mr. G who thought someone died. That made me feel worse in a way. He's the only one home with me this week (the rest are on a hunting trip), poor twelve year old kid shouldn't bear the burden of my grief and terror, so I choked it down a little deeper.
What to do?
Pray. (Which I've done and continue to do. I've poured it out and poured it out and parked it in Psalms where words like "Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me, And horror has overwhelmed me" Ps 55:5 and "Why do you boast in evil, mighty man ...your tongue devises destruction, like a sharp razor working deceitfully, you love evil more than good, lying rather than speaking righteousness, you love all devouring words you deceitful tongue" Ps. 52:1-3). Cold comfort in Psalms right now. I'll try again tonight, though.
Remember it's November and try to be grateful.
Just five things a day. Little things. Pause and be thankful.
Here we go:
1. The custodians are doing a pretty good job cleaning the bathroom on the 2nd floor of Happyland High this year. I appreciate that.
2. All of my classes are good, this year's seniors are a nice class. But especially 8th hour. Every day they make me laugh. I'm thankful for those goofy 8th hour kids.
3. I got all my first quarter grades in and am experiencing a bit of a lull on the grading front right now. Heavenly.
4. The weather has been crazy mild. Even saw this lilac blooming in the garden. A small, fragrant springtime bloom in November. Out of place but welcomed and deeply inhaled.
5. Hearing my sons' teachers tell me how good and kind and helpful they are at school. No academic awards coming their way anytime soon, but they don't miss assignments, and they're praised for their respectful behavior and creativity. Parent-teacher conferences can be pretty swell.